Blog Audit: Expansion 2 (Blog 9)

Once learning about relationship dissolution, I began to think about how my second last relationship ended and what factors were part of that decision.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, I found that many things played into our break up because we were dating for three years which means a lot of memories and history together.  There were multiple relational changes that I now noticed which helped contribute to our break up.  Relational changes are relationship dynamics that may impact a relationship over time.  One of the relational changes is time spent together is lost.  With Jared, we spent a lot of time together in high school since we went to the same high school.  Once I began college, I spent most of my time there and even played a few intramural sports which took up a lot of my time.  He began working second shift so he went to work from 3 to 11 at night.  I was typically at class at around 9 till 3 so our schedules were completely opposite which didn’t allow for much time to be spent together which really put a strain on our relationship.  We typically hung out once or twice a week within my free time of the two hours in-between my class schedule and his work schedule.  The next relational change that occurred was infidelity.  Jared decided to cheat on me a few times that I knew of but I kind of just blew them off because we were in high school and at that point it really didn’t matter to me because I was doing things with other guys also.  The last girl that he cheated on me with was one of my best friends.  This one hurt a lot more since I cared about both of these people a lot.  Since I was in college, my whole life goals have begun to change and I was ready to be with someone who was serious and wanted to be in a committed relationship.  I wanted to be with someone who supported my life goals and wanted to explore the world with me.  After the last time he cheated with my best friend, we tried to work it out but the next relational change happened which was low levels of love and trust.  I began becoming interested in a few of the college guys at school because they were actually working towards a goal and wanting to further their education.  Because he was cheating, I didn’t trust him when he was spending time with other people especially girls.  Along with losing the trust, my love for him was diminishing because I was in a constant worry of what he was doing and who he was with.  For me, it was hard to love someone who I didn’t trust.  Along with relational changes, I was experiencing individual changes. 

According to Levinger’s Barrier Model, if attraction and barriers are low but the alternatives are high, then I should leave the relationship.  I was definitely running out of reasons to stay.  I wasn’t really attracted to his attitude on life and defiantly wasn’t attracted to his work ethic.  I started to grow up and look at the future things and reliability wasn’t one of those.  One of the huge barriers to leaving was the connection and that we were dating for three years.  For me, it was very hard to leave because of all the time and money that was invested in that relationship.  After looking at the attractions and the barriers, I found that the alternatives were much higher.  My alternatives were finding a guy who was going to college to better his education.  Granted Jared did go to Tech College in high school and had a great job, he wasn’t a great worker and showed no ambition.  Guys who were in college were obviously wanting to be there otherwise they wouldn’t have been attending college.  Another alternative that I took full advantage of was to explore other places to live.  After breaking up with him, I applied to UW Stout and was super eager to go somewhere else where I didn’t know anyone and wasn’t judged.  I was able to meet new people and new guys rather than being stuck to talking to guys that only went to my high school.  I could also find a guy who loved me and didn’t feel the need to cheat or hurt me. 

So this began the stages of dissolution.  The first stages is personal which is where one person isn’t happy.  For our relationship, I feel that with him cheating, that we both weren’t happy but I know for sure that I wasn’t happy.  The second stage is dyadic which is where one person tells the other partner how they are feeling.  I chose to do this over a text and I decided right away that I no longer wanted to be with him.  It did take a few months for this to completely happen since we did try to work things out a month later again but I decided again that it wasn’t worth the fight.  The third stage is called social which is when you tell your friends and family for support.  I personally only told a few of my close friends what was happening and I only told my family that we broke up and didn’t say much more.  I didn’t want my family knowing that I was cheated on and I wanted to show that I was the stronger person in the relationship to end it.  My friends knew exactly what happened.  I know that Jared told his friends that he ended the relationship and I just left it because it wasn’t worth the fight.  The fourth stage is grave dressing which is coming up with a story on why we broke up and how to address it.  My story was that we grew apart since I was in college and I wanted something new in life.  I didn’t want anyone to know that he cheated on me so I kept that out of the story.  The fifth and final state is resurrection which means to come into the world as a single individual.  I didn’t do very well being single since I wasn’t single since freshman year of high school so I entered a new relationship within two months of breaking up with Jared.

Blog Audit: Expansion 1 (Blog 8)

For me, talking about long distance relationships hit home.  14 million couples identify as being in a long distance relationship with around 32.5% of college students being in a long distance relationship.  I personally am in a long distance relationship and found that many of the things that I learned about were very true to my relationship.  The average distance for a long distance relationship is 125 miles where as my relationship is almost doubled at 245 miles apart.  My boyfriend and I decided that we would try to make a long distance relationship work because we didn’t want to wait the two years until I came home from school.  We have always had a connection and have been best friends forever.  We first started talking seriously about being more in the start of September but the one problem that we both had with starting a relationship with each other is the distance.  I decided to go to school here at Stout and he lives in my home town.  For us, that was a huge problem so I decided going home almost every weekend to show him that I was willing to make this work and that I wasn’t interested in any other guys that went to school here.  It took until late February until we finally decided to officially date.  We decided that a long distance relationship would work because we were able to communicate every day.  With the advancement in phones and being able to text, call, facetime and snapchat, we are able to talk throughout the day and night to stay in touch. 

In class, we discussed the individual level stressors which I found most of them to be very true for my relationship.  First, the initial adjustment.  It is very difficult being apart and it was a huge adjustment from seeing each other every day in high school to then seeing him once a week to once every other week and now we go about every third week.  For us, this was very hard because we can’t see each other and have that physical touch like other couples can.  Another stressor is loneliness.  I learned that men experience more loneliness which I find true in my relationship.  I found that with this past weekend of going home, that Jacob was lonelier than I felt.  Throughout the three weeks, I didn’t really feel lonely except on weekends but he said that he felt it every single day as soon as he wasn’t doing anything.  Another stressor is guilt, which women tend to feel more.  For me, this one is very true.  I feel so guilty having to walk away every time to go back to school and having to look back at him looking so sad.  I feel so bad leaving him and that I made the decision to be four hours away from him for weeks at a time.   Overload is another stressor.  I feel overload on the weeks before I go home because I feel the need to have to get all of my homework completed so I have all the time in the world to spend with Jacob and my family which makes me very stressed out that whole week and then I feel drained on the weekend.  Another stressor that I tend to experience the most is that commuting gets old.  That three and a half hour drive gets very old.  I know all of the exits that I drive past and I know exactly which gas stations to stop at.  My boyfriend knows exactly where I am by watching the clock and knowing also where each of the exits are by time where I know by miles where I am.  With going home this past weekend, I never really noticed the “stranger effect” until now.  It was actually kind of funny since now I see it.  When Jacob got to my house the first conversations were how the drive was, how school going and other small talk.  I never realized that we did that but now looking back that is out conversations for the first half hour or so.  The most challenging part of a long distance relationship is the loss of day to day intimacy.  Once we were able to sit down, Jacob jumped into my arms and we just snuggled on the chair.  Even the next day we laid in bed snuggling until almost noon and his mom told us to get up and do something with our lives but we having actually had any physical contact in three weeks so that’s all we wanted to do was snuggle.  It’s hard not being able to hold hands or snuggle when we had a long day and then only being together for a few days out of the month makes it extremely hard also. 

I also learned that there are family and social level stressors.  Many of our friends don’t think that our relationship can last because we don’t see each other very much.  My family made bets on how long that Jacob and I would last.  So far we have been together for a month and a half and most of my family said we wouldn’t last for over a month.  Also, some people don’t realize how far of a drive that I actually am and criticize me for not driving home more to see him but in reality, neither of us want to make the drive to see each other so he is very grateful that I drive home most of the time.  Another huge problem is commuting gets very expensive.  My car runs premium gas so I paid $2.89 a gallon this past weekend which it costed me around $80 just to go home and back. With Jacob driving, he has a truck so he is putting typically $80 bucks in diesel fuel every time he comes out too which can get expensive for him too.

So what helps?  For us, communication is key.  We talk most of the day and always know where each other are, who we are with, and what we are doing.  This helps with trust and shows that we are able to tell each other what we are doing and why.  Since we have been friends since third grade, we already knew a lot about each other and had a history which made starting the relationship long distance easier because of our history.  Jacob and I support each other with every decision that we make and tend to ask each other’s opinions before we make a final decision which helps our communication.  Both of our family’s support us and his friends are super supportive and make sure to keep him busy so he isn’t constantly thinking about me or missing me when I am gone.  We try to make frequent visits and we always have our visits planned out so we know the next time that we will see each other.  At this point in our relationship, I think that we have a great chance of staying together because of how great we are working out in the last few months of talking and actually dating.  

Blog Audit: Reflection

                I found that I typically write about my romantic relationships.  A lot of my blog entries talk about my ex-boyfriend Jared and how lucky I was to end that relationship.  Most of my entries discuss my relationship with Jacob and how it evolves throughout the semester to just being friends to a romantic relationship.  One of the themes or specific concerns that continue to reoccur is how crappy my high school relationship was.  I guess the old saying is true, young and dumb!  For my relationship with Jared, I still have strong emotions and hate that I was used throughout my high school years.  Dating him was a huge learning experience.  I wish I left him after the first time he cheated on me but I stayed.  It always makes me wonder where I would be today if I left him.  I also always wonder where I would be if I stayed with him.  I know if I stayed I’d be engaged already but I am very glad that I ended it before he popped the question.  My frustration with Jacob not knowing what he wanted was also an issue that I discussed because it was such a huge part of my life during the first half of the semester.  It was very hard on me not knowing what was going to happen and knowing that if we decided not to be together, how would that friendship look. 

One of the huge changes that I noticed was my entries seem to turn happier sounding once Jacob and I began dating.  I found it a lot easier to talk about topics because I was in a romantic relationship that I was able to relate the materials that we learned in class too.  I found that it was also easier to realize how and why my past relationships failed because I was more accepting of my own faults and was able to relate them to why my past relationships didn’t work out.  My seeing these, I am able to focus on my flaws in order to keep a positive and healthy relationship now and in the future.

One thing that really surprised me when re-reading my blog entries was how vulnerable I was when writing these.  After reading them, I was amazed on how open I was about my past relationships and my current relationship.  I shared a lot that I couldn’t imagine sharing with my parents.  Most of my friends know about my relationship with Jared but I like to keep my relationship with Jacob very quiet and not many people know that we are dating.  I found it very relieving to write about my relationship instead of straight telling someone about it. 

I found that two of my last entries were worth revising.  I found that I have a lot to talk about being in a long distance relationship because everything that was discussed in class was very relevant to my relationship.  It was also particularly interesting to look at because we started our relationship long distance too.  I also found it very easy to talk about relationship dissolution because there was so many different aspects in my relationship with Jared that contributed to us breaking up which make it very easy to look at and evaluate.  So at this point, I plan on expanding blog 8 and blog 9 to continue to discuss these two topics in more depth. 

One aspect of the weekly blogging that I valued the most was just being able to relieve some stress and to look at why previous relationships didn’t last and how to ensure that the relationship that I am in now continues to be healthy and positive.  This shows up in my entries because I look into my love style, attachment style, identity, how I deal with conflict, how I feel about infidelity, about my long distance relationship and past relationship dissolution along with evaluating my love language.  I chose my blog entries by looking at which ones related to my life now or related to my past relationships.  

Blog 10: The Five Love Languages

I have never heard of the five love languages before this class and found them particularly interesting.  When taking the five love language’s quiz, I thought that I would be highest in words of affirmation.  I love when my boyfriend texts me good morning and good night each night and when he is very affectionate through text messages.  I thought that my lowest would be physical touch because I hate being touched and like being on my own.  After taking the quiz, I found to be highest in quality time.  My next highest was physical touch.  My lowest two were receiving gifts and words of affirmation.  The words of affirmation was super surprising because I enjoy his text messages so much.  I was also surprised with physical touch being so high.  Once thinking about it, I guess it makes since.  My past relationships we spent a lot of time together.  With Jacob and starting a long distance relationship, for us, we don’t get that quality time together or physically get to touch each other either for weeks at a time.  When we are together, we focus on each other and talk about the future and what we plan on doing while we have some time together.  We also don’t play on our phones very much when we are at home and try to spend as much time as we can talking or going out and having some fun.  We also try each others hobbies and do things that we each want to do because of the short amount of time that we have together and make the most out of our time.   Since we only see each other every two to three weeks, physical touch is huge for him!  I typically don’t like to snuggle when falling asleep and hate holding hands in public but that is something that he loves to do and it constantly holding my hand or has his arm around my waist.  For him, he doesn’t get to physically touch me for weeks so the two days that we have together we spend all of our time very close to each other.  Now looking at it through this perspective, I can see how I value physical touch because it is nice falling asleep with him all snuggled up with me.  I still think that the rest of these qualities are part of my love language because I think all are very important but it was very interesting to see which ones I felt were more important. 

Blog 9: Relationship Dissolution

Once learning about relationship dissolution, I began to think about how my second last relationship ended and what factors were part of that decision.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, I found that many things played into our break up because we were dating for three years.  There were multiple relational changes.  Relational changes are relationship dynamics that may impact a relationship over time.  With Jared, we spent a lot of time together in high school since we went to the same high school.  Once I began college, I spent most of my time there and even played a few intramural sports which took up a lot of my time.  He began working second shift so he went to work from 3 to 11 at night.  I was typically at class at around 9 till 3 so our schedules were completely opposite which didn’t allow for much time to be spent together which really put a strain on our relationship.  The next relational change that occurred was infidelity.  Jared decided to cheat on me a few times that I knew of but I kind of just blew them off because we were in high school and at that point it really didn’t matter to me because I was doing things with other guys also.  The last girl that he cheated on me with was one of my best friends.  Since I was in college, my whole life goals have changed and I was ready to be with someone who was serious and wanted to be in a committed relationship.  After the last time he cheated we tried to work it out but the next relational change happened which was low levels of love and trust.  I began becoming interested in a few of the college guys at school because they were actually working towards a goal and wanting to further their education.  Because he was cheating, I didn’t trust him when he was spending time with other people especially girls.  Along with losing the trust, my love for him was diminishing because I was in a constant worry of what he was doing and who he was with.  Along with relational changes, I was experiencing individual changes.

According to Levinger’s Barrier Model, if attraction and barriers are low but the alternatives are high, then I should leave the relationship.  I was definitely running out of reasons to stay.  I wasn’t really attracted to his attitude on life and defiantly wasn’t attracted to his work ethic.  I started to grow up and look at the future things and reliability wasn’t one of those.  One of the huge barriers to leaving was the connection and that we were dating for three years.  For me, it was very hard to leave because of all the time and money that was invested in that relationship.  After looking at the attractions and the barriers, I found that the alternatives were much higher.  My alternatives were finding a guy who was going to college to better his education.  Granted Jared did go to Tech College in high school and had a great job, he wasn’t a great worker and showed no ambition.  Guys who were in college were obviously ambitions otherwise they wouldn’t have been there.  Another alternative that I took full advantage of was to explore other places to live.  I was able to meet new people and new guys rather than stick to talking to guys that only went to my high school.  I could also find a guy who loved me and didn’t feel the need to cheat or hurt me.

Blog 8: Long Distance Relationships

For me, talking about long distance relationships hit home.  14 million couples identify as being in a long distance relationship with around 32.5% of college students being in a long distance relationship.  I personally am in a long distance relationship and found that many of the things that I learned about were very true to my relationship.  The average distance for a long distance relationship is 125 miles where as my relationship is almost doubled at 245 miles apart.  My boyfriend and I decided that we would try to make a long distance relationship work because we didn’t want to wait the two years until I came home from school.  We have always had a connection and have been best friends forever.  We first started talking seriously about being more in the start of September but the one problem that we both had with starting a relationship with each other is the distance.  I decided to go to school here at Stout and he lives in my home town.  For us, that was a huge problem so I decided going home almost every weekend to show him that I was willing to make this work and that I wasn’t interested in any other guys that went to school here.  It took until late February until we finally decided to officially date.  We decided that a long distance relationship would work because we were able to communicate every day.  With the advancement in phones and being able to text, call, facetime and snapchat, we are able to talk throughout the day and night to stay in touch. 

We also discussed individual stressors.  The stressors are initial adjustment, loneliness, guilt, commuting can get old, loss of day to day intimacy, and the stranger effect.  Jacob and I are affected by each and every one of these.  So what helps?  Strong communication is key.  It has also helped that we have a strong relationship history and base with living in the same town and being good friends since third grade.  It helps that we both support each other along with our families and friends supporting us and ensuring that we both stay busy so we aren’t missing each other so much.  By ensuring that we see each other every two to three weeks also helps to make sure that we do have that physical connection and we always know when we will see each other when we leave each other.  These factors defiantly help ensure that we keep a happy relationship.

Blog 7: Infidelity

Infidelity was definitely a difficult topic to talk about.  Throughout my high school years, I dated the same guy from sophomore to senior year and into my first semester of college.  Already in my sophomore year he decided to cheat on me.  I found out a few weeks later and brushed it off because it was with one of my friends and I didn’t want her to know that I knew but I quit talking to her.  He apologized and said that it would never happen again and he was just stressed with me just having surgery and not being able to do anything for a few weeks.  We were constantly fighting and I never really understood why he would get angry sometimes and then apologize right when I was ready to end the relationship.  During my first year of college, in late September, my best friend Jacob texted me that he has something important to tell me.  He told me that Jared was cheating on me and that he has been doing it for a long time, which one was the night before.  Once Jacob explained what was going on, when, and how often this was happening, it all made sense.  Every time that Jared would get angry at me, he would go and cheat.  This really hurt at the time but it made me realize the person that I would never want myself to be.  Since then, I have drastically changed my own life and decided to do everything that I’ve wanted to do that I wouldn’t have been able to if I stayed with Jared.  I dated a guy from a different school, moved all the way across the state to attend college, enjoyed parties and having fun meeting new people here at Stout.  Now Jared has moved on to one of the girls he got with and is the same person.  Sometimes I wish he could see who I turned out to be but for now, I’m perfectly happy not having to look at him or to even understand how someone could cheat on someone they love. 

Blog 6: Intercultural Relationship Questions

Intercultural relationships are becoming more and more common throughout the years.  So the big questions are would you/could you hook up or marry someone…

Of another race/ethnicity
Maybe, depending on their race/ethnicity.  I was in a relationship with a guy for three years who was Native American.
 Different religious beliefs
Yes so it’s not like I have to conform to their beliefs, we can both have our own beliefs.

Very different class
Depending on the social class.  Rich yes poor no.  I wouldn’t be able to give up my luxurious lifestyle that I already live now and would feel really bad for the guy who is really poor.

Physical disability
Depending on the disability.  I feel like if it was a small disability where they were able to still do things for themselves it would be completely fine but if they had a severe disability I don’t think I would be able to do it.  It would be very stressful providing for him.   I also think it depends on if I meet them before they were disabled or if it happened after we met.
Hidden disability
Again, I think it would depend on the severity.  For me, if it was a severe mental disability, I don’t think that I would be able to handle it.  I think it also depends on if he just got the disability or if he had it all his life.  If it only happened every once in a while it would be easier to handle rather than something very severe.
Not conformed to gender expectations
I definitely don’t think that I could date or even hook up with someone who didn’t conform to society gender expectations.  I don’t have any problem with them as people but for me I just don’t think that I could do it.
Much older/younger than you
Absolutely not.  Very gross and I think that it should be very illegal.  I think that the largest gap should only be a few years and nothing over 8 years.  For me, I think about it being like an 18 year old with a 10 year old and that would be gross and unhealthy.  I feel like it would be more acceptable if they were much older but because I am young, I see it more in that pedophile way.
Who’s primary language isn’t English
No.  I can’t stand people who don’t speak fluent in English.  I know it isn’t their fault but for me it is very difficult for me to understand them which makes me less attracted to them.

I think that where I am from, intercultural relationships aren’t as common because there isn’t very many different culturally diverse people in my town.  I feel now that I am living in Menomonie my thoughts have changed a little bit but there really isn’t much cultural diversity here either. 

Blog 5: Dating VS Hooking Up

Dating and hooking up both have some pros and cons.  One of the benefits of dating is always having that friend to confide in.  Also, dating comes with physical intimacy and always having your significant other being around.  Some of the risk of dating is getting hurt or having your heart broken if things don’t work out.  Females worry about losing a friendship whereas males worry about being rejected.  With hooking up, some of the benefits are no strings attached and it can be fun and exciting.  Females enjoy hooking up because they feel wanted and desired where as men find it sexually gratifying.  Some of the risks of hooking up is contracting an STI or getting pregnant.  Females worry about wanting a relationship but the other person doesn’t where as men worry that the other person wants a relationship and they don’t. 

In my experiences I have done both.  I have had very committed relationship throughout high school and my first year of college.  I decided a few months into my freshman year that my high school relationship of three years was holding me back from what I wanted to do in life so I moved on.  Of course I have always had a close connection in relationships and wanted that right away so I jumped right into a new relationship.  Once I chose to leave home and move here to Menomonie I changed my mind all over again.  The night before I left I hooked up with my best friend.  I knew this was wrong and was very against cheating but it just happened.  I ended my relationship a month after coming here and spend my first semester hooking up and not wanting to be in a relationship and to try something new.  I enjoyed the benefits of freedom and having no strings attached.  I could do what I want when I wanted to which was super nice.  I was on and off again with my best friend which we stayed just hooking up because I was long distance which was nice because I could continue doing what I want here at school.  Now six months later, I am dating my best friend from home.  This was a huge benefit because we already have been friends since forever and know a lot about each other which makes it easier to talk about everything and anything.  Hooking up was a benefit for us because it brought us closer and a relationship started from it.  I now know that he will always be there for me and I have that committed relationship that I am happy with.  Sometimes I do wish we weren’t dating because I have to really behave and make sure I don’t flirt with other guys to keep my boyfriend happy but I wouldn’t change dating my best friend for anything.  

Blog 4: Conflict Management

When learning about conflict management, I found that my new relationship has the conflict type of Volatile.  Volatile conflict type has many frequent but passionate arguments.   One of the arguments that Jacob and I have a ton revolves around trust and cheating.  With starting a long distance relationship and since we have been friends since forever, we know how each other are with girls/guys and both like to flirt a lot.  I have a lot more trust for him than he does for me because he knows that I am far away at college and that there are a lot of cute college boys.  Our arguments are typically over texts but the one that we had while he was here was on and off yelling and then frequent make ups and saying sorry.  I feel that at this point in our relationship, arguing over the one thing is okay rather than having a whole ton of issues.  I feel that also if we didn’t know each other’s past so well trust also wouldn’t be an issue.

I love to use fight tactics.  I think that I have used them all.  I have used sabotage when I’m upset so that I don’t have to do something that he wants to do.  For example, Jacob ditched me one night and said that we could just hang out on Sunday.  Well I didn’t want to do that so I purposely went into work that day to paint walls.  I have used fight evading tactic a few weeks ago when I got mad also when he didn’t want to hang out at night.  I decided that I didn’t want to wait till noon Sunday when he woke up to talk about our fight from the night before so I left early to go back to school and didn’t respond to texts or calls.  I have also used mixed messages when I don’t want to discuss a topic.  I like to say I’m fine and just blow it off.  Finally, one of my favorite tactics is the gunny sacking and kitchen sinking.  I love to bring back up the past to remind them that they have been wrong before.  For example, my ex-boyfriend could never remember dates and he forgot my birthday and always forgot our anniversary date.  Every time he would forget I'd remind him that he forgot my birthday and forgot his wallet on our first date and I would keep bringing it up.  I love this tactic because I can remind them of every other time they messed up and it was their fault. 

Blog 3: Idenity

One experience that I have particularly with identity is trying to keep my identity separate from others.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, he wanted me to do everything with him especially things that he was really passionate about that I wasn’t.  For example, I do like to go hunting and fishing but sometimes I rather do them by myself or I’m just not interesting in that type of hunting.  Jared always wanted me to go on every fishing trip or go goose and duck hunting which I didn’t want to do.  I feel like there are parts of a person’s identity that they should do these things by themselves or with their friends.  If it’s something that I don’t want to do or they don’t want to do I feel like it shouldn’t be pressured and that we can do things we enjoy by ourselves. 

One of my huge non-negotiable is making life decisions based on being in a relationship.  When I was entering my freshman year of college, I decided to stay close to home not only to save money but to be with my boyfriend of almost three years at that point.  Now looking back after breaking up my second month into college, I wish I would have did what I wanted to do and explore my other options and meet new people.  Now that I am half way done with my second year and moving 3.5 hours away, I can truly say that I did what I wanted to do any even though I don’t talk to my friends as much and lost another relationship, I wouldn’t change moving for anything.  My boyfriend that I have now also lives back at home and he wants me to come home and be with him but no matter how much I want to and he wants to I could never change my life choices of leaving UW Stout to come home to be with a guy.  If we love each other, long distance will work for the next few years.  Another non-negotiable that I have is smoking.  I think that it is disgusting and couldn’t imagine having to smell that all the time.  For me, if a guy smokes, I wouldn’t be able to be with him unless he would quit.  I also have asthma and with the smell of smoke it makes me feel very sick and I am unable to breathe.  I couldn’t image putting my own life at risk to be with someone who wouldn’t do the same.  

Blog 2: Attachment Style

Attachment forms through a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure.  My first attachment was with my mother.  She was a stay at home mom so she was always around.  I feel that my early attachment style was insecure/ambivalent.  I know my mom didn’t always jump and coming running when I needed something.  She believed in letting us children cry it out sometimes.  I feel that we were always fed and changed when it was needed but if we were fussy she wouldn’t always comfort me.  I know that it really didn’t bother me when she left but I know when my dad left for work that I would come out of bed to say goodbye at three in the morning.  I wasn’t really worried to much about strangers and I would warm up to people pretty quick making sure it was okay by my parents. I definitely had the attitude when I was younger that I wasn’t sure that I could count of people when I need them. 

I feel like my adult attachment style is a bit of secure and a bit of anxious/preoccupied.  I feel that I have a secure attachment at times because it is pretty easy to become emotionally close with others.  I don’t really worry about others accepting me.  If someone doesn’t like me well that sucks for them I don’t care.  I have a very positive view of myself and positive view on others.  I feel that I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style at time because I tend to seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from my partner at times.  I typically have doubts with my current almost relationship because I do want it to work out and I don’t want to be hurt.  I don’t really see myself as clingy but Jacob does at times because we only have three to six days together a month and I want to spend every minute of those days with him because the other 25 days I’m almost four hours away.  The final thing that I see is that I have high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsive because of the long distance relationship that we are trying to have.  

Blog 1: Lee's Love Styles

The topic that I am going to discuss in Lee’s Love Styles.  I chose this topic because we were asked to take the quiz to see which love style that we had.  I was interesting in seeing what my love style was and if it changed.  During my senior year of high school, I was in a relationship class and I had to take the Lee’s Love Styles inventory.  I remember being highest in Mania and my next was Pragma.  When I took the inventory this time, my highest was Pragma and my next highest was Mania.  I feel that the two styles switched because I’m not in a long term committed relationship.  When I took the inventory in high school, I was in a relationship for two and a half years.  My boyfriend of the time liked to sneak around and he cheated on me a few times.  I feel that I was high in mania during that time also because he talked to a lot of girls I was very worried that he didn’t feel the same for me. 

Now after being in a relationship after that and it not working out because we were so different, I feel that my love style changed.  I figured that I would be more pragmatic because I’m not in a relationship at this time.  Pragma is the practical lover with a shopping list.  Pragmatic people also tend to make cost/benefit analysis before entering the relationship.  My best friend Jacob and I have debating on being in a real relationship for the last few months.  For me, it is very hard because he has been my best friend I know that he can be a play boy and loves to flirt with girls.  This could be the reason for being high in mania.  Jacob and my relationship is also difficult because one of his best friends is my ex-boyfriend from high school which makes it complicated because he doesn’t want us together.  The final thing making it complicated is being 230 miles apart for weeks at a time.  So far long distance has been okay but many fights arise about the guys that I’m hanging out with here.  I love to make cost/benefit lists about guys I could be with and the benefits would be were already best friends to we have lots in common, I have had feelings for him for a long time but ignored them, and we have such a high intimacy and passion.  The costs are the long distance relationship, he could hurt me like many times before, and him being overly jealous of other guys and me enjoying the college life. 

I feel that love styles can change depending on how much effort is being put into the relationship.  With my last boyfriend I was very relaxed and didn’t ever get jealous of who he talked to.  I think it would have been very interesting if I was to take the inventory last year.