Blog Audit: Expansion 2 (Blog 9)

Once learning about relationship dissolution, I began to think about how my second last relationship ended and what factors were part of that decision.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, I found that many things played into our break up because we were dating for three years which means a lot of memories and history together.  There were multiple relational changes that I now noticed which helped contribute to our break up.  Relational changes are relationship dynamics that may impact a relationship over time.  One of the relational changes is time spent together is lost.  With Jared, we spent a lot of time together in high school since we went to the same high school.  Once I began college, I spent most of my time there and even played a few intramural sports which took up a lot of my time.  He began working second shift so he went to work from 3 to 11 at night.  I was typically at class at around 9 till 3 so our schedules were completely opposite which didn’t allow for much time to be spent together which really put a strain on our relationship.  We typically hung out once or twice a week within my free time of the two hours in-between my class schedule and his work schedule.  The next relational change that occurred was infidelity.  Jared decided to cheat on me a few times that I knew of but I kind of just blew them off because we were in high school and at that point it really didn’t matter to me because I was doing things with other guys also.  The last girl that he cheated on me with was one of my best friends.  This one hurt a lot more since I cared about both of these people a lot.  Since I was in college, my whole life goals have begun to change and I was ready to be with someone who was serious and wanted to be in a committed relationship.  I wanted to be with someone who supported my life goals and wanted to explore the world with me.  After the last time he cheated with my best friend, we tried to work it out but the next relational change happened which was low levels of love and trust.  I began becoming interested in a few of the college guys at school because they were actually working towards a goal and wanting to further their education.  Because he was cheating, I didn’t trust him when he was spending time with other people especially girls.  Along with losing the trust, my love for him was diminishing because I was in a constant worry of what he was doing and who he was with.  For me, it was hard to love someone who I didn’t trust.  Along with relational changes, I was experiencing individual changes. 

According to Levinger’s Barrier Model, if attraction and barriers are low but the alternatives are high, then I should leave the relationship.  I was definitely running out of reasons to stay.  I wasn’t really attracted to his attitude on life and defiantly wasn’t attracted to his work ethic.  I started to grow up and look at the future things and reliability wasn’t one of those.  One of the huge barriers to leaving was the connection and that we were dating for three years.  For me, it was very hard to leave because of all the time and money that was invested in that relationship.  After looking at the attractions and the barriers, I found that the alternatives were much higher.  My alternatives were finding a guy who was going to college to better his education.  Granted Jared did go to Tech College in high school and had a great job, he wasn’t a great worker and showed no ambition.  Guys who were in college were obviously wanting to be there otherwise they wouldn’t have been attending college.  Another alternative that I took full advantage of was to explore other places to live.  After breaking up with him, I applied to UW Stout and was super eager to go somewhere else where I didn’t know anyone and wasn’t judged.  I was able to meet new people and new guys rather than being stuck to talking to guys that only went to my high school.  I could also find a guy who loved me and didn’t feel the need to cheat or hurt me. 

So this began the stages of dissolution.  The first stages is personal which is where one person isn’t happy.  For our relationship, I feel that with him cheating, that we both weren’t happy but I know for sure that I wasn’t happy.  The second stage is dyadic which is where one person tells the other partner how they are feeling.  I chose to do this over a text and I decided right away that I no longer wanted to be with him.  It did take a few months for this to completely happen since we did try to work things out a month later again but I decided again that it wasn’t worth the fight.  The third stage is called social which is when you tell your friends and family for support.  I personally only told a few of my close friends what was happening and I only told my family that we broke up and didn’t say much more.  I didn’t want my family knowing that I was cheated on and I wanted to show that I was the stronger person in the relationship to end it.  My friends knew exactly what happened.  I know that Jared told his friends that he ended the relationship and I just left it because it wasn’t worth the fight.  The fourth stage is grave dressing which is coming up with a story on why we broke up and how to address it.  My story was that we grew apart since I was in college and I wanted something new in life.  I didn’t want anyone to know that he cheated on me so I kept that out of the story.  The fifth and final state is resurrection which means to come into the world as a single individual.  I didn’t do very well being single since I wasn’t single since freshman year of high school so I entered a new relationship within two months of breaking up with Jared.