Blog 8: Long Distance Relationships

For me, talking about long distance relationships hit home.  14 million couples identify as being in a long distance relationship with around 32.5% of college students being in a long distance relationship.  I personally am in a long distance relationship and found that many of the things that I learned about were very true to my relationship.  The average distance for a long distance relationship is 125 miles where as my relationship is almost doubled at 245 miles apart.  My boyfriend and I decided that we would try to make a long distance relationship work because we didn’t want to wait the two years until I came home from school.  We have always had a connection and have been best friends forever.  We first started talking seriously about being more in the start of September but the one problem that we both had with starting a relationship with each other is the distance.  I decided to go to school here at Stout and he lives in my home town.  For us, that was a huge problem so I decided going home almost every weekend to show him that I was willing to make this work and that I wasn’t interested in any other guys that went to school here.  It took until late February until we finally decided to officially date.  We decided that a long distance relationship would work because we were able to communicate every day.  With the advancement in phones and being able to text, call, facetime and snapchat, we are able to talk throughout the day and night to stay in touch. 

We also discussed individual stressors.  The stressors are initial adjustment, loneliness, guilt, commuting can get old, loss of day to day intimacy, and the stranger effect.  Jacob and I are affected by each and every one of these.  So what helps?  Strong communication is key.  It has also helped that we have a strong relationship history and base with living in the same town and being good friends since third grade.  It helps that we both support each other along with our families and friends supporting us and ensuring that we both stay busy so we aren’t missing each other so much.  By ensuring that we see each other every two to three weeks also helps to make sure that we do have that physical connection and we always know when we will see each other when we leave each other.  These factors defiantly help ensure that we keep a happy relationship.

Blog 7: Infidelity

Infidelity was definitely a difficult topic to talk about.  Throughout my high school years, I dated the same guy from sophomore to senior year and into my first semester of college.  Already in my sophomore year he decided to cheat on me.  I found out a few weeks later and brushed it off because it was with one of my friends and I didn’t want her to know that I knew but I quit talking to her.  He apologized and said that it would never happen again and he was just stressed with me just having surgery and not being able to do anything for a few weeks.  We were constantly fighting and I never really understood why he would get angry sometimes and then apologize right when I was ready to end the relationship.  During my first year of college, in late September, my best friend Jacob texted me that he has something important to tell me.  He told me that Jared was cheating on me and that he has been doing it for a long time, which one was the night before.  Once Jacob explained what was going on, when, and how often this was happening, it all made sense.  Every time that Jared would get angry at me, he would go and cheat.  This really hurt at the time but it made me realize the person that I would never want myself to be.  Since then, I have drastically changed my own life and decided to do everything that I’ve wanted to do that I wouldn’t have been able to if I stayed with Jared.  I dated a guy from a different school, moved all the way across the state to attend college, enjoyed parties and having fun meeting new people here at Stout.  Now Jared has moved on to one of the girls he got with and is the same person.  Sometimes I wish he could see who I turned out to be but for now, I’m perfectly happy not having to look at him or to even understand how someone could cheat on someone they love. 

Blog 6: Intercultural Relationship Questions

Intercultural relationships are becoming more and more common throughout the years.  So the big questions are would you/could you hook up or marry someone…

Of another race/ethnicity
Maybe, depending on their race/ethnicity.  I was in a relationship with a guy for three years who was Native American.
 Different religious beliefs
Yes so it’s not like I have to conform to their beliefs, we can both have our own beliefs.

Very different class
Depending on the social class.  Rich yes poor no.  I wouldn’t be able to give up my luxurious lifestyle that I already live now and would feel really bad for the guy who is really poor.

Physical disability
Depending on the disability.  I feel like if it was a small disability where they were able to still do things for themselves it would be completely fine but if they had a severe disability I don’t think I would be able to do it.  It would be very stressful providing for him.   I also think it depends on if I meet them before they were disabled or if it happened after we met.
Hidden disability
Again, I think it would depend on the severity.  For me, if it was a severe mental disability, I don’t think that I would be able to handle it.  I think it also depends on if he just got the disability or if he had it all his life.  If it only happened every once in a while it would be easier to handle rather than something very severe.
Not conformed to gender expectations
I definitely don’t think that I could date or even hook up with someone who didn’t conform to society gender expectations.  I don’t have any problem with them as people but for me I just don’t think that I could do it.
Much older/younger than you
Absolutely not.  Very gross and I think that it should be very illegal.  I think that the largest gap should only be a few years and nothing over 8 years.  For me, I think about it being like an 18 year old with a 10 year old and that would be gross and unhealthy.  I feel like it would be more acceptable if they were much older but because I am young, I see it more in that pedophile way.
Who’s primary language isn’t English
No.  I can’t stand people who don’t speak fluent in English.  I know it isn’t their fault but for me it is very difficult for me to understand them which makes me less attracted to them.

I think that where I am from, intercultural relationships aren’t as common because there isn’t very many different culturally diverse people in my town.  I feel now that I am living in Menomonie my thoughts have changed a little bit but there really isn’t much cultural diversity here either. 

Blog 5: Dating VS Hooking Up

Dating and hooking up both have some pros and cons.  One of the benefits of dating is always having that friend to confide in.  Also, dating comes with physical intimacy and always having your significant other being around.  Some of the risk of dating is getting hurt or having your heart broken if things don’t work out.  Females worry about losing a friendship whereas males worry about being rejected.  With hooking up, some of the benefits are no strings attached and it can be fun and exciting.  Females enjoy hooking up because they feel wanted and desired where as men find it sexually gratifying.  Some of the risks of hooking up is contracting an STI or getting pregnant.  Females worry about wanting a relationship but the other person doesn’t where as men worry that the other person wants a relationship and they don’t. 

In my experiences I have done both.  I have had very committed relationship throughout high school and my first year of college.  I decided a few months into my freshman year that my high school relationship of three years was holding me back from what I wanted to do in life so I moved on.  Of course I have always had a close connection in relationships and wanted that right away so I jumped right into a new relationship.  Once I chose to leave home and move here to Menomonie I changed my mind all over again.  The night before I left I hooked up with my best friend.  I knew this was wrong and was very against cheating but it just happened.  I ended my relationship a month after coming here and spend my first semester hooking up and not wanting to be in a relationship and to try something new.  I enjoyed the benefits of freedom and having no strings attached.  I could do what I want when I wanted to which was super nice.  I was on and off again with my best friend which we stayed just hooking up because I was long distance which was nice because I could continue doing what I want here at school.  Now six months later, I am dating my best friend from home.  This was a huge benefit because we already have been friends since forever and know a lot about each other which makes it easier to talk about everything and anything.  Hooking up was a benefit for us because it brought us closer and a relationship started from it.  I now know that he will always be there for me and I have that committed relationship that I am happy with.  Sometimes I do wish we weren’t dating because I have to really behave and make sure I don’t flirt with other guys to keep my boyfriend happy but I wouldn’t change dating my best friend for anything.  

Blog 4: Conflict Management

When learning about conflict management, I found that my new relationship has the conflict type of Volatile.  Volatile conflict type has many frequent but passionate arguments.   One of the arguments that Jacob and I have a ton revolves around trust and cheating.  With starting a long distance relationship and since we have been friends since forever, we know how each other are with girls/guys and both like to flirt a lot.  I have a lot more trust for him than he does for me because he knows that I am far away at college and that there are a lot of cute college boys.  Our arguments are typically over texts but the one that we had while he was here was on and off yelling and then frequent make ups and saying sorry.  I feel that at this point in our relationship, arguing over the one thing is okay rather than having a whole ton of issues.  I feel that also if we didn’t know each other’s past so well trust also wouldn’t be an issue.

I love to use fight tactics.  I think that I have used them all.  I have used sabotage when I’m upset so that I don’t have to do something that he wants to do.  For example, Jacob ditched me one night and said that we could just hang out on Sunday.  Well I didn’t want to do that so I purposely went into work that day to paint walls.  I have used fight evading tactic a few weeks ago when I got mad also when he didn’t want to hang out at night.  I decided that I didn’t want to wait till noon Sunday when he woke up to talk about our fight from the night before so I left early to go back to school and didn’t respond to texts or calls.  I have also used mixed messages when I don’t want to discuss a topic.  I like to say I’m fine and just blow it off.  Finally, one of my favorite tactics is the gunny sacking and kitchen sinking.  I love to bring back up the past to remind them that they have been wrong before.  For example, my ex-boyfriend could never remember dates and he forgot my birthday and always forgot our anniversary date.  Every time he would forget I'd remind him that he forgot my birthday and forgot his wallet on our first date and I would keep bringing it up.  I love this tactic because I can remind them of every other time they messed up and it was their fault. 

Blog 3: Idenity

One experience that I have particularly with identity is trying to keep my identity separate from others.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, he wanted me to do everything with him especially things that he was really passionate about that I wasn’t.  For example, I do like to go hunting and fishing but sometimes I rather do them by myself or I’m just not interesting in that type of hunting.  Jared always wanted me to go on every fishing trip or go goose and duck hunting which I didn’t want to do.  I feel like there are parts of a person’s identity that they should do these things by themselves or with their friends.  If it’s something that I don’t want to do or they don’t want to do I feel like it shouldn’t be pressured and that we can do things we enjoy by ourselves. 

One of my huge non-negotiable is making life decisions based on being in a relationship.  When I was entering my freshman year of college, I decided to stay close to home not only to save money but to be with my boyfriend of almost three years at that point.  Now looking back after breaking up my second month into college, I wish I would have did what I wanted to do and explore my other options and meet new people.  Now that I am half way done with my second year and moving 3.5 hours away, I can truly say that I did what I wanted to do any even though I don’t talk to my friends as much and lost another relationship, I wouldn’t change moving for anything.  My boyfriend that I have now also lives back at home and he wants me to come home and be with him but no matter how much I want to and he wants to I could never change my life choices of leaving UW Stout to come home to be with a guy.  If we love each other, long distance will work for the next few years.  Another non-negotiable that I have is smoking.  I think that it is disgusting and couldn’t imagine having to smell that all the time.  For me, if a guy smokes, I wouldn’t be able to be with him unless he would quit.  I also have asthma and with the smell of smoke it makes me feel very sick and I am unable to breathe.  I couldn’t image putting my own life at risk to be with someone who wouldn’t do the same.  

Blog 2: Attachment Style

Attachment forms through a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure.  My first attachment was with my mother.  She was a stay at home mom so she was always around.  I feel that my early attachment style was insecure/ambivalent.  I know my mom didn’t always jump and coming running when I needed something.  She believed in letting us children cry it out sometimes.  I feel that we were always fed and changed when it was needed but if we were fussy she wouldn’t always comfort me.  I know that it really didn’t bother me when she left but I know when my dad left for work that I would come out of bed to say goodbye at three in the morning.  I wasn’t really worried to much about strangers and I would warm up to people pretty quick making sure it was okay by my parents. I definitely had the attitude when I was younger that I wasn’t sure that I could count of people when I need them. 

I feel like my adult attachment style is a bit of secure and a bit of anxious/preoccupied.  I feel that I have a secure attachment at times because it is pretty easy to become emotionally close with others.  I don’t really worry about others accepting me.  If someone doesn’t like me well that sucks for them I don’t care.  I have a very positive view of myself and positive view on others.  I feel that I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style at time because I tend to seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from my partner at times.  I typically have doubts with my current almost relationship because I do want it to work out and I don’t want to be hurt.  I don’t really see myself as clingy but Jacob does at times because we only have three to six days together a month and I want to spend every minute of those days with him because the other 25 days I’m almost four hours away.  The final thing that I see is that I have high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsive because of the long distance relationship that we are trying to have.