Blog 6: Intercultural Relationship Questions

Intercultural relationships are becoming more and more common throughout the years.  So the big questions are would you/could you hook up or marry someone…

Of another race/ethnicity
Maybe, depending on their race/ethnicity.  I was in a relationship with a guy for three years who was Native American.
 Different religious beliefs
Yes so it’s not like I have to conform to their beliefs, we can both have our own beliefs.

Very different class
Depending on the social class.  Rich yes poor no.  I wouldn’t be able to give up my luxurious lifestyle that I already live now and would feel really bad for the guy who is really poor.

Physical disability
Depending on the disability.  I feel like if it was a small disability where they were able to still do things for themselves it would be completely fine but if they had a severe disability I don’t think I would be able to do it.  It would be very stressful providing for him.   I also think it depends on if I meet them before they were disabled or if it happened after we met.
Hidden disability
Again, I think it would depend on the severity.  For me, if it was a severe mental disability, I don’t think that I would be able to handle it.  I think it also depends on if he just got the disability or if he had it all his life.  If it only happened every once in a while it would be easier to handle rather than something very severe.
Not conformed to gender expectations
I definitely don’t think that I could date or even hook up with someone who didn’t conform to society gender expectations.  I don’t have any problem with them as people but for me I just don’t think that I could do it.
Much older/younger than you
Absolutely not.  Very gross and I think that it should be very illegal.  I think that the largest gap should only be a few years and nothing over 8 years.  For me, I think about it being like an 18 year old with a 10 year old and that would be gross and unhealthy.  I feel like it would be more acceptable if they were much older but because I am young, I see it more in that pedophile way.
Who’s primary language isn’t English
No.  I can’t stand people who don’t speak fluent in English.  I know it isn’t their fault but for me it is very difficult for me to understand them which makes me less attracted to them.

I think that where I am from, intercultural relationships aren’t as common because there isn’t very many different culturally diverse people in my town.  I feel now that I am living in Menomonie my thoughts have changed a little bit but there really isn’t much cultural diversity here either. 

Blog 5: Dating VS Hooking Up

Dating and hooking up both have some pros and cons.  One of the benefits of dating is always having that friend to confide in.  Also, dating comes with physical intimacy and always having your significant other being around.  Some of the risk of dating is getting hurt or having your heart broken if things don’t work out.  Females worry about losing a friendship whereas males worry about being rejected.  With hooking up, some of the benefits are no strings attached and it can be fun and exciting.  Females enjoy hooking up because they feel wanted and desired where as men find it sexually gratifying.  Some of the risks of hooking up is contracting an STI or getting pregnant.  Females worry about wanting a relationship but the other person doesn’t where as men worry that the other person wants a relationship and they don’t. 

In my experiences I have done both.  I have had very committed relationship throughout high school and my first year of college.  I decided a few months into my freshman year that my high school relationship of three years was holding me back from what I wanted to do in life so I moved on.  Of course I have always had a close connection in relationships and wanted that right away so I jumped right into a new relationship.  Once I chose to leave home and move here to Menomonie I changed my mind all over again.  The night before I left I hooked up with my best friend.  I knew this was wrong and was very against cheating but it just happened.  I ended my relationship a month after coming here and spend my first semester hooking up and not wanting to be in a relationship and to try something new.  I enjoyed the benefits of freedom and having no strings attached.  I could do what I want when I wanted to which was super nice.  I was on and off again with my best friend which we stayed just hooking up because I was long distance which was nice because I could continue doing what I want here at school.  Now six months later, I am dating my best friend from home.  This was a huge benefit because we already have been friends since forever and know a lot about each other which makes it easier to talk about everything and anything.  Hooking up was a benefit for us because it brought us closer and a relationship started from it.  I now know that he will always be there for me and I have that committed relationship that I am happy with.  Sometimes I do wish we weren’t dating because I have to really behave and make sure I don’t flirt with other guys to keep my boyfriend happy but I wouldn’t change dating my best friend for anything.  

Blog 4: Conflict Management

When learning about conflict management, I found that my new relationship has the conflict type of Volatile.  Volatile conflict type has many frequent but passionate arguments.   One of the arguments that Jacob and I have a ton revolves around trust and cheating.  With starting a long distance relationship and since we have been friends since forever, we know how each other are with girls/guys and both like to flirt a lot.  I have a lot more trust for him than he does for me because he knows that I am far away at college and that there are a lot of cute college boys.  Our arguments are typically over texts but the one that we had while he was here was on and off yelling and then frequent make ups and saying sorry.  I feel that at this point in our relationship, arguing over the one thing is okay rather than having a whole ton of issues.  I feel that also if we didn’t know each other’s past so well trust also wouldn’t be an issue.

I love to use fight tactics.  I think that I have used them all.  I have used sabotage when I’m upset so that I don’t have to do something that he wants to do.  For example, Jacob ditched me one night and said that we could just hang out on Sunday.  Well I didn’t want to do that so I purposely went into work that day to paint walls.  I have used fight evading tactic a few weeks ago when I got mad also when he didn’t want to hang out at night.  I decided that I didn’t want to wait till noon Sunday when he woke up to talk about our fight from the night before so I left early to go back to school and didn’t respond to texts or calls.  I have also used mixed messages when I don’t want to discuss a topic.  I like to say I’m fine and just blow it off.  Finally, one of my favorite tactics is the gunny sacking and kitchen sinking.  I love to bring back up the past to remind them that they have been wrong before.  For example, my ex-boyfriend could never remember dates and he forgot my birthday and always forgot our anniversary date.  Every time he would forget I'd remind him that he forgot my birthday and forgot his wallet on our first date and I would keep bringing it up.  I love this tactic because I can remind them of every other time they messed up and it was their fault. 

Blog 3: Idenity

One experience that I have particularly with identity is trying to keep my identity separate from others.  With my ex-boyfriend Jared, he wanted me to do everything with him especially things that he was really passionate about that I wasn’t.  For example, I do like to go hunting and fishing but sometimes I rather do them by myself or I’m just not interesting in that type of hunting.  Jared always wanted me to go on every fishing trip or go goose and duck hunting which I didn’t want to do.  I feel like there are parts of a person’s identity that they should do these things by themselves or with their friends.  If it’s something that I don’t want to do or they don’t want to do I feel like it shouldn’t be pressured and that we can do things we enjoy by ourselves. 

One of my huge non-negotiable is making life decisions based on being in a relationship.  When I was entering my freshman year of college, I decided to stay close to home not only to save money but to be with my boyfriend of almost three years at that point.  Now looking back after breaking up my second month into college, I wish I would have did what I wanted to do and explore my other options and meet new people.  Now that I am half way done with my second year and moving 3.5 hours away, I can truly say that I did what I wanted to do any even though I don’t talk to my friends as much and lost another relationship, I wouldn’t change moving for anything.  My boyfriend that I have now also lives back at home and he wants me to come home and be with him but no matter how much I want to and he wants to I could never change my life choices of leaving UW Stout to come home to be with a guy.  If we love each other, long distance will work for the next few years.  Another non-negotiable that I have is smoking.  I think that it is disgusting and couldn’t imagine having to smell that all the time.  For me, if a guy smokes, I wouldn’t be able to be with him unless he would quit.  I also have asthma and with the smell of smoke it makes me feel very sick and I am unable to breathe.  I couldn’t image putting my own life at risk to be with someone who wouldn’t do the same.